You can't tell me you've never experienced loss. I wouldn't believe it. The removal of something? It happens to everyone. The degree of loss is different for the circumstance and even a positive experience that leads to change also leaves loss.
We lose our innocence, our toys, our feeling of security, our phone (gasp), our identity, our virginity, our home, our thoughts, our first love, our pride, the list goes on and on. Just insert your life altering loss here _____. Then, the things you lose that are mundane here _____.
My dad is forever losing his keys and my mom loses her patience.
June 13 was Carlon's last day of school. Two weeks too soon thanks to the strike/lock out. I went to his school that day to pick him up. He came outside and I wasn't there. This has happened before and it hasn't caused a problem but, this day, for whatever reason, he got scared and decided to walk home... BY HIMSELF!!
My sweet little 5 year old dream of a boy decided he could walk home the near 1 km to our house, crossing a busy street, taking the short cut we take, which leads beside a forested area. He said he was scared and sang 'Jesus loves me' to himself. I, meanwhile, am running around the school near crapping my pants because he is nowhere to be found and he never does this.
I was in a state of loss. My son was lost. My panic was in overload. 'Someone has taken him! He is lost, gone forever' THE most devastating feeling. Meanwhile he's walking home scared, feeling abandoned, alone, he has lost his security and trust that mommy would always be there.
When it finally came to light that the crossing guard saw him walk home I was livid. The principle, his teacher and the crossing guard asked if he had ever walked home alone before and I responded with great frustration, "NO! Because he is 5!!". My frustration was very evident and I was in tears at the panic that he still wasn't safe. It's a 15 minute walk between our house and the school.
When Hawk called that he was home safe I wept. He was safe, he was home. All I wanted was to hug him. He was no longer lost, but what had been lost?
My relationship with his teacher and the school. When he started at the school we were given an info sheet that informed us that kindergarten students were not allowed to leave the school without their guardian, and if no one came to get them they were to wait at the office.
So, how did this happen?!
I've lost a little in my relationship with Carlon. This experience is something he will never forget, and I will always, to the day I die, blame myself that it happened because I wasn't there when he came out. I've lost my trust in my ability as a mom. This trust was tenuous at best but now... it has been obliterated.
So what next? I have to talk to the school. I have been too angry to approach it but, for the safety of other children I have to. How do I forgive myself and move on? I mean this just piles on to all my feelings of doubt that we made the right decision to move here. My gut still wrenches when Carlon leaves the house to bike down our quiet, safe street to his friends house.
How do we accommodate loss? How do we overcome it? I have experienced a mountain of losses. i am climbing it and I want to see beyond it and yet another loss will happen and it either adds to the height of the mountain or causes a rock in my path and makes me stumble or it forces a rock slide and pushes me down the mountain.
Why can't I leap the mountain? Why does a loss knock me down so? I ask God to help me but I can't seem to get my footing strong. I am overwhelmed and out of breath.
Give me wings Lord, carry me over...
Saturday 28 June 2014
Tuesday 10 June 2014
sunshine, lollipops and rainbows....
Have you ever come to a point in your walk stumble walk stumble alongside the Lord where you realized that you had absorbed lies about a relationship with Him? Is that too much to comprehend or answer? Do you know what I'm asking?
Here it is on a different plate...
You've been with your spouse for how ever many years and you always listened and believed someone else, who also knew your spouse, give you all the attributes they believed to be true about them but, after being with your spouse for say 20 years you realize "they have never picked their wet towel off the floor. Why did I believe that person who told me they were tidy? And I told everyone else they were tidy! Why did it take a vacation away and coming home to mold on the carpet for me to see this. How could I have been so mislead?" Ok, so maybe not the best analogy but do you get what I'm driving at now?
This is how I have been anvil dropped by my faith recently.
Growing up in church and watching baptisms and hearing testimonies on a regular basis, I can remember one in particular where the "faithful" talked about going through a challenging time then God opened all the doors and life was blessed. (paraphrasing)
I can remember thinking, how cool that was and how God was pretty awesome. I heard this idea of "opening doors" a few other times in my growing up years and it was always combined with obedience to God and the outcome was smooth sailing. So, in summary, the solution to life is:
Obedience to God -> open doors -> overabundant blessings
crap crap crap
I allowed this idea to sink into my theology, to colour my doctrine and when I encountered someone who felt God operated differently I tried to encourage them with Sunday school vignettes and hollow diatribes. Although, I didn't believe them to be those at the time, I have since come to experience that is not the case and to all I spoke to that way I am truly sorry.
We moved up North feeling God was calling us here and instead of entering into a Jonah-esque experience we decided to be obedient to God's call. So I subconsciously expected that everything would be easy. Selling our place, finding a place here. I kept telling people "if it's God's plan and we're being obedient then God will make it all fall into place" Well we finally sold and found a place but it was fraught with angst. It was torturous. I tried to stay positive but it all got harder and harder as if it felt like God had cracked the doors and we were pushing and pushing to open them.
You're probably going to say "well you shouldn't have been pushing, just wait and God will open them". I'm telling you, I am now finding that line of thinking to be bullshit. I don't think God sits there waiting for us with his bucket o' blessin' and when we're obedient he pours it over us from up in great glory. I believe he lets us make our choices, obedient or dis and he meets us where we are after that choice. And I've come to believe that obedience doesn't lead to blessings because then we are dangerously close to a "works" based faith and I am hooped if that's the case because in no way can I win that competition.
But let me take a step back, because what do we imagine, what do I imagine to be in the great big bucket o' blessin'?
What I have absorbed from years of "blessing gospel" is that bucket is whatever your little corrupted heart desires:
A safe house? SOLD
No worries about bills? Full bank accounts
Lots of friends? Too many to count
No stress or tension with your spouse? Happy times all the time
But no, it doesn't work that way and how could it? God could give us all we want but it wouldn't be good enough because "we" are messed up, "we" are not perfect, "we" are self-destructive and "we" are in it for ourselves.
Let's stop the lie of warm fuzzy blessings that will make our lives easier. If anything, obedience to God's call makes our lives more challenging, more frustrating, more inadequate.
Stop expecting rainbows and butterflies when you are obedient to God. Stop going in with the attitude of giving to get. I'm talking to myself here but, let's face it. Have we not all "given to get" at some point in our lives? Let's be obedient to God for the sake of obedience without expecting anything in return because a give and get relationship is not a healthy one. Don't we then start to keep score?
I've decided that sometimes God is a big stinky poo poo head because he pushes my buttons and makes me frustrated and challenges me when I just want peace and easy. So I say 'really God? We're doing this now? I've barely caught my breath from the last thing and now this? Well, you suck!' and then... 'But I love you' and with gritting teeth 'and I know this will make me stronger in my faith'
So do yourselves a favour and a favour to all those you disciple, stop painting God as a warm pillow that cushions your head at night. Be honest about your relationship with Him. It is hard. It is tearing. It is everything a relationship is when two parties don't see eye to eye all the time. And when the other "eye" you don't meet with is the omnipotent God then it is even more exhausting. Be honest and give yourself the freedom to have a real relationship. THAT is the blessing.
Maybe that's what He's waiting for. That moment when you say "God, you suck!" and He says "GOOD! Now you and I can finally do something"
Here it is on a different plate...
You've been with your spouse for how ever many years and you always listened and believed someone else, who also knew your spouse, give you all the attributes they believed to be true about them but, after being with your spouse for say 20 years you realize "they have never picked their wet towel off the floor. Why did I believe that person who told me they were tidy? And I told everyone else they were tidy! Why did it take a vacation away and coming home to mold on the carpet for me to see this. How could I have been so mislead?" Ok, so maybe not the best analogy but do you get what I'm driving at now?
This is how I have been anvil dropped by my faith recently.
Growing up in church and watching baptisms and hearing testimonies on a regular basis, I can remember one in particular where the "faithful" talked about going through a challenging time then God opened all the doors and life was blessed. (paraphrasing)
I can remember thinking, how cool that was and how God was pretty awesome. I heard this idea of "opening doors" a few other times in my growing up years and it was always combined with obedience to God and the outcome was smooth sailing. So, in summary, the solution to life is:
Obedience to God -> open doors -> overabundant blessings
crap crap crap
I allowed this idea to sink into my theology, to colour my doctrine and when I encountered someone who felt God operated differently I tried to encourage them with Sunday school vignettes and hollow diatribes. Although, I didn't believe them to be those at the time, I have since come to experience that is not the case and to all I spoke to that way I am truly sorry.
We moved up North feeling God was calling us here and instead of entering into a Jonah-esque experience we decided to be obedient to God's call. So I subconsciously expected that everything would be easy. Selling our place, finding a place here. I kept telling people "if it's God's plan and we're being obedient then God will make it all fall into place" Well we finally sold and found a place but it was fraught with angst. It was torturous. I tried to stay positive but it all got harder and harder as if it felt like God had cracked the doors and we were pushing and pushing to open them.
You're probably going to say "well you shouldn't have been pushing, just wait and God will open them". I'm telling you, I am now finding that line of thinking to be bullshit. I don't think God sits there waiting for us with his bucket o' blessin' and when we're obedient he pours it over us from up in great glory. I believe he lets us make our choices, obedient or dis and he meets us where we are after that choice. And I've come to believe that obedience doesn't lead to blessings because then we are dangerously close to a "works" based faith and I am hooped if that's the case because in no way can I win that competition.
But let me take a step back, because what do we imagine, what do I imagine to be in the great big bucket o' blessin'?
What I have absorbed from years of "blessing gospel" is that bucket is whatever your little corrupted heart desires:
A safe house? SOLD
No worries about bills? Full bank accounts
Lots of friends? Too many to count
No stress or tension with your spouse? Happy times all the time
But no, it doesn't work that way and how could it? God could give us all we want but it wouldn't be good enough because "we" are messed up, "we" are not perfect, "we" are self-destructive and "we" are in it for ourselves.
Let's stop the lie of warm fuzzy blessings that will make our lives easier. If anything, obedience to God's call makes our lives more challenging, more frustrating, more inadequate.
Stop expecting rainbows and butterflies when you are obedient to God. Stop going in with the attitude of giving to get. I'm talking to myself here but, let's face it. Have we not all "given to get" at some point in our lives? Let's be obedient to God for the sake of obedience without expecting anything in return because a give and get relationship is not a healthy one. Don't we then start to keep score?
I've decided that sometimes God is a big stinky poo poo head because he pushes my buttons and makes me frustrated and challenges me when I just want peace and easy. So I say 'really God? We're doing this now? I've barely caught my breath from the last thing and now this? Well, you suck!' and then... 'But I love you' and with gritting teeth 'and I know this will make me stronger in my faith'
So do yourselves a favour and a favour to all those you disciple, stop painting God as a warm pillow that cushions your head at night. Be honest about your relationship with Him. It is hard. It is tearing. It is everything a relationship is when two parties don't see eye to eye all the time. And when the other "eye" you don't meet with is the omnipotent God then it is even more exhausting. Be honest and give yourself the freedom to have a real relationship. THAT is the blessing.
Maybe that's what He's waiting for. That moment when you say "God, you suck!" and He says "GOOD! Now you and I can finally do something"
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