I have made a promise to myself to not let months go by in between posts. Even in the pit and stress and turmoil. And so through this blog, a promise to me is, by extension, a promise to anyone who reads it. I am an introvert, and I process things through my hearts mind and eventually they need to be spoken and more often than not they are spoken through written word.
God bless the written word.
I believe I have things to say. Important things. Well, they are important to me. Half of my heart started this blog because I was encouraged to do so, the other half thought "well, every other pastor's wife has a blog so I might as well too" then the thoughts of popularity rose up and squelched my focus. I began to think about how honest to be and how my words would affect my husband. But, I still have things to say. This is a strange bedfellow in the online world. I saw a meme recently that expressed that we used to have diaries for our private thoughts... now we have the internet. And oh, how true. I still keep a journal. I have kept one off and on since I was 12. I have tossed the ones from high school, but the ones from my twenties still speak a truth to me and they are sacred. I work out my faith, my self, my path in my journals. And, they are private. But there is something to be said for sharing. For laying bare our pains, our joys, our failures, our successes. There is vulnerability, community, family.
Earlier this year I was drowning. I had shared this feeling with a few people and didn't receive the desired response. So deeper down I went. Then something happened between me and my husband and instead of coming to him with it, I listened to the demons that were telling me I wasn't worth it and I kept it, then I buried it, and then it began to eat me. Have you experienced that? It is painful, and it doesn't only eat you... it eats those around you except, they don't know they are being eaten. And by the time they do they don't have any power to do anything about it. They are fighting back in a futile attempt at the invisible dragon. I did this to my family. I pushed God away and allowed self doubt to rule me. I decided my husband didn't care about me, that my family and friends had forgotten me and I was alone. So I acted alone. I turned "survivalist" I didn't ask for help and I pushed everyone away.
No one suffered more in this than my little monkey. My youngest. This is my deepest shame now and I am pleading with the Lord to help me forgive myself. Shortly after my descent began, my beautiful two year old began a descent into his own pit. I wrote it off as just being a two year old... tantrums, fights, screaming, crying... seems pretty usual right? But this was beyond. He was angry, and he was angry with me. It took months, I didn't count, but the months went on and I was reduced to tears most days. It wasn't until he and I were having a battle in his room and I looked at him and cried... and said I was sorry, and told him I loved him. He melted. Instantaneously melted into me.
He and I have had a tumultuous relationship from the start. An unexpected pregnancy, and a stressful year combined with post-partum depression all worked against us. He was born at the unfortunate timing of unemployment and a big life change. It has all gone towards my own sanctification and I have learned that you never stop labouring for your child. You think that once you have delivered them your labour stops but, whoa to the mom who denies the labour that continues through their lives.
All these words and these last few months to learn
again that our lives impact the lives of those around us. We are not separate in this world. And there is no secret sin. I thought I was ok to keep my feelings buried, but it only served to bubble and boil my anger. Passively my anger spilled out through the house to my children, my husband. I'm surprised everything I touched didn't sizzle under contact. So the secrecy of a journal? I suppose just for the more scathing details. But the impact of sin is far reaching and why not put it out there since it will reach there anyways.
I will write more. Because I want to but, also because, for my own heart and faith, I need to.
