what is true the first year is true the eleventh..

When Brad and I were a couple years married, I was asked to do the devotional time at a bridal shower for a beautiful young woman in our church. I stumbled upon this devotional recently while I was tidying up our basement. And as I read through it I realized how I have not lived up to my desires for my marriage. It is a humbling, sobering experience. But I can tell you that because of that, these words carry so much weight and truth. And so fitting that I would find this the day before our 11th wedding anniversary.

I read a book a few years ago about our relationship with God and all the different ways we’re connected to Him. The author wrote one chapter in particular called “Under the Chuppah” In this chapter the author talks about the chuppah and the prayer shawl and the importance and their meaning in Hebrew heritage.

I want to give you the image of the chuppah. Imagine a tent, not a camping tent, more like a canopy. This is the tent that Hebrew couples are married under, often the material on top is a prayer shawl. The prayer shawl is typically white with a several blue stripes woven through and the sides of the shawl are adorned with tassels. It is a beautiful picture to me. It is a physical, tangible reminder of the presence of God. Not just on the occasion of the wedding but how he is with us, always covering us. All sides of the tent are open to connect with Abraham and Sarah and their hospitality to the special guests. The tent itself is empty, except for the couple, to signify that the home is about the people inside, not the possessions. It’s the people inside that I want to look at. These two people have been brought together by the Lord. The joining of these two goes back to Adam and Eve, the recognition of Adam’s need for a help meet and God creating Eve to reconcile that need. From the earth he made man in His image and from man’s side he made woman

“This is now bone of my bones

    and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

    for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:23-24

And so as she was taken from his side, they work side by side and their continuing relationship is also intended to reveal God’s plan for reconciliation and earthly example. In the jewish ceremony some of the vows the groom says to the bride are:

“I will take you out..”

“I will rescue you”

“I will redeem you”

“I will take you to me”

Very intense promises and, quite frankly, impossible promises to keep if there are more that just the bride and groom under the chuppah… under God within their marriage, because when there are more than the required number of people involved in a marriage you can end up feeling like you’re wandering in the desert. When that happens it can be difficult to defend against the enemy. The Lord has consecrated marriage. He created it and He has blessed it, and by consecrating it He has set it apart and made it sacred. When that sacredness and blessing isn’t respected then it (the marriage) suffers, the people suffer.

What does this all mean?

The strength of the bond of the marriage, the mystery, the sacredness, the power in it is only realized in it’s exclusiveness. When a couple invites everyone and their cat into their marriage, into the day to day details, the “he did that” or “she never does this” it loses it’s intimacy. There is a mysticism in marriage that should not be fractured. It is a wholeness that should not be broken.

There are so many changes that come with marriage, some that are obvious - that you can prepare for, others.. you can’t possibly be ready for because those changes are specifically tailored to who each of you are. No one can predict those changes and you might never recognize the need for them until you encounter them.

One day your spouse will say “why do you do that?” and you won’t have and answer. But discussing these things together (exclusively) and with the Lord is where you start to build the trust and security within your bond and then you have a solid framework for establishing the protection required to keep your bond sacred. And through the years you continue to practice those steps, building on that framework. 

My heart breaks for a couple every time one of them talks about the things their spouse does that they can’t stand, whether it is behind their back or cutting them down when they’re right there. That does not edify and it damages the trust. They likely are not discussing these hurts with each other, and by talking with other people they are making new and deeper hurts.

I know Brad and I aren’t perfect, but I also know God brought us together and has a plan for us as a team and so I know that although he is not perfect and I am not perfect, we are perfect for each other. That in no way means our marriage is perfect., nobody’s is. That is impossible. But when we have our moments should I go to my best friends or my sisters or my mom and vent my frustrations. That would harm Brad, that would harm me and it would harm our home. If I have frustrations with Brad I talk to Brad about them. Only God knows me better than he does. Why would I do anything to take that away form him, to lose that connection with him?

One day something will happen, something impossible to plan for, something that will affect you both. Separately you’ll process theses times differently, but how you come through as a team is determined by the energy you’ve put into protecting your sacred bond.

Brad and I still hold hands and I am determined to still be holding his hand 50 years form now. I have made up my mind that I will never be glad when he’s away at a retreat or a conference. I will always keep the lights on.. always greet him with joy when he comes home,, speak of him with respect because the point of our marriage, of any marriage isn’t just marriage.

Marriage has a mission, it is designed to show something to the broken-ness of our world. It is a chance to display God’s love. When a marriage remains sacred when the two remain one, when they practice reconciliation, when they give grace, the redemption we have in Christ can be witnessed.

I covet this sacredness for all marriages. Let us encourage one another to reconciliation and grace. Let us hold true to the mystery of the connection of our marriage to Christ and the church. 

It is redemptive, it is Christ alive in us.

seeds..

The seed, the seed is planted so early. The moment she finds something to care for; a doll, a pet, a baby sibling. She is life, she nurtures, she loves. 

For some that seed is forced dormant. Hurts, expectations, failures, betrayals. They are a cold blast against germination.

For others, that seed is crushed and never a new one is planted.

-and we weep-

But, if that seed is still there, if it is fed, and watered, it grows, it flourishes, it flowers.

And she dreams, and loves, and labours and pours her heart and soul into the hope of one. And then another, and maybe another, and maybe another and maybe..

And hope becomes true, and love grows, for 40 weeks -or less or more- love grows, to the point of bursting. It can no longer be contained. And so begins her labour. And it never stops. She labours to meet her hope realized and she will labour the rest of her life.

It is a life if firsts, and they can not be replaced. First feed, first bath, first roll, first steps, no more crib, out of diapers, it all happens so fast. And we are just supposed to let go? Just like that? Leave them in the hands of a near stranger for six hours a day when they have been our little shadow for twenty-four?

It is a tearing. It was known to come but, surprising still. 

How did we get here? 

Weren’t you just a babe?

Didn’t your head just fit into the crook of my neck?

Don’t you see, if I close my eyes I can still smell your baby-ness?

When I look down, I see your bright eyes studying me from my breast. I smile at you and you break your latch to smile back. And then it becomes a game.

Pardon me while I wipe the water from my eyes..

How do we let our hopes loose on the world? We are still nurturing them, they change faster than we do.

But, this is not where we stop growing.

Need we try to hold onto the past so tight when the future holds all the adventures? As if to say, “those were the best days ever, nothing can compete” Where is our life from there then? We must seek more joy, dream new dreams, hope new hopes. We can plant different seeds to nurture and grow. We must move or we petrify. We are to spend our lives. Our days cannot be stored up and saved. 

Watch your hopes grow and mature and grow their own seeds and so on. This is life, and it is beautiful. Hold it with open hands. 

my rescuer..

I have been living in suspension the last week. Full of feelings and full of peace and wondering how I reconcile the two. Or do I even? I had a trip to my hometown that fulfilled all my needs. It was beautiful in most every way. Visits and love and fun and rest and joy and water and ice cream and nieces and nephews and sisters and friends and worship and praise and I am brought to tears even now to think about it. But they are tears of peace. Can peace be overwhelming? Can peace bring you to your knees? I am not in turmoil, I am not wrung out from sorrow, I am feeling His presence in a way I have not felt in a long time. 

I have been a shadow of myself these last few years. Colleen is not an angry, sorrowful, nervous, anxious person. Colleen is quick to laugh, to make a joke. She is up for little adventures. She knows God is on her side and she surrenders to Him. But, over the last few years a stranger had taken up residence in my heart. It had pushed me down and controlled all my responses. It buried me 6 feet under. Under where it is cold and silent. Deep under where light cannot reach and decay begins. It was threatening destruction but it wouldn’t win. I felt someone calling for me. I had not been forgotten, I had not been left alone. I begged God to rescue me. I needed rescuing. The real Colleen needed rescuing from fear, from self oppression. My Jesus, he was already on the other side breaking the ground. It wasn’t overnight, but it began. In little ways He began to dig me out, as he always does, by reaching down to me. I continued to call to Him; my Saviour, “Here I am!” not for Him to find me but for me to keep my mind, my heart, my eyes on him. I could feel the weight of the earth above me releasing, my body felt lighter and lighter, I could breathe. I could feel the warm air, and finally, the light, the sun, the Son. He reached down one more time to wipe the earth from my eyes, my ears, my mouth and nose. His hands cupping my chin and lifting me from my grave of fear. He breathed life into me again and awoke my heart. 

He is life and breath in me and in Him I live and move and have my being. 

These past few years I have been trapped in my own space, my own feelings, trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure it out on my own. Impossible. I wasn’t calling on Him to help me. Fruitless. I carried my hurt with me everywhere I went, and my family felt it most. I was burdened to call on His grace but felt ashamed and unworthy of it. Turmoil. I was living the very opposites of the fruits of the Spirit, because I wasn’t allowing the spirit to move within me. But now, as I think about all those feelings, they melt away, they are important but they are not burdensome. I am staring into the Glory of the risen Christ who has rescued me! He has done it before and he did it again and will probably be asked to do it again.

I used to always feel guilty about this. That I kept stumbling and kept having to ask Him to help me back up. But now, I am just grateful. Grateful that His love never fails, that it is unstoppable, He is the one that never stumbles. That is why He can always catch me. I know I will never always be sure footed. I am a sinner. And now, I have peace in that. It sounds strange I know, but if I deny that, if I expect that I should be more than that, then I leave no room for Him, for His grace, for the gift of salvation. As Paul warns, we do not sin more to increase grace. That is not how it works. But we recognize our abilities and how much we lack without Him. 

So now, it is on to peace. And the greater the emptiness lived, the deeper the grave, the greater peace abounds. And in the best possible way, I am overwhelmed. His love is higher and greater and deeper that any heights or depths. Did He die so we could live in the grave? Was He bled for His own gain. By no means! Take it from a sinner. Call out to Him. He will answer you. He will rescue you.