When Brad and I were a couple years married, I was asked to do the devotional time at a bridal shower for a beautiful young woman in our church. I stumbled upon this devotional recently while I was tidying up our basement. And as I read through it I realized how I have not lived up to my desires for my marriage. It is a humbling, sobering experience. But I can tell you that because of that, these words carry so much weight and truth. And so fitting that I would find this the day before our 11th wedding anniversary.
I read a book a few years ago about our relationship with God and all the different ways we’re connected to Him. The author wrote one chapter in particular called “Under the Chuppah” In this chapter the author talks about the chuppah and the prayer shawl and the importance and their meaning in Hebrew heritage.
I want to give you the image of the chuppah. Imagine a tent, not a camping tent, more like a canopy. This is the tent that Hebrew couples are married under, often the material on top is a prayer shawl. The prayer shawl is typically white with a several blue stripes woven through and the sides of the shawl are adorned with tassels. It is a beautiful picture to me. It is a physical, tangible reminder of the presence of God. Not just on the occasion of the wedding but how he is with us, always covering us. All sides of the tent are open to connect with Abraham and Sarah and their hospitality to the special guests. The tent itself is empty, except for the couple, to signify that the home is about the people inside, not the possessions. It’s the people inside that I want to look at. These two people have been brought together by the Lord. The joining of these two goes back to Adam and Eve, the recognition of Adam’s need for a help meet and God creating Eve to reconcile that need. From the earth he made man in His image and from man’s side he made woman
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-24
And so as she was taken from his side, they work side by side and their continuing relationship is also intended to reveal God’s plan for reconciliation and earthly example. In the jewish ceremony some of the vows the groom says to the bride are:
“I will take you out..”
“I will rescue you”
“I will redeem you”
“I will take you to me”
Very intense promises and, quite frankly, impossible promises to keep if there are more that just the bride and groom under the chuppah… under God within their marriage, because when there are more than the required number of people involved in a marriage you can end up feeling like you’re wandering in the desert. When that happens it can be difficult to defend against the enemy. The Lord has consecrated marriage. He created it and He has blessed it, and by consecrating it He has set it apart and made it sacred. When that sacredness and blessing isn’t respected then it (the marriage) suffers, the people suffer.
What does this all mean?
The strength of the bond of the marriage, the mystery, the sacredness, the power in it is only realized in it’s exclusiveness. When a couple invites everyone and their cat into their marriage, into the day to day details, the “he did that” or “she never does this” it loses it’s intimacy. There is a mysticism in marriage that should not be fractured. It is a wholeness that should not be broken.
There are so many changes that come with marriage, some that are obvious - that you can prepare for, others.. you can’t possibly be ready for because those changes are specifically tailored to who each of you are. No one can predict those changes and you might never recognize the need for them until you encounter them.
One day your spouse will say “why do you do that?” and you won’t have and answer. But discussing these things together (exclusively) and with the Lord is where you start to build the trust and security within your bond and then you have a solid framework for establishing the protection required to keep your bond sacred. And through the years you continue to practice those steps, building on that framework.
My heart breaks for a couple every time one of them talks about the things their spouse does that they can’t stand, whether it is behind their back or cutting them down when they’re right there. That does not edify and it damages the trust. They likely are not discussing these hurts with each other, and by talking with other people they are making new and deeper hurts.
I know Brad and I aren’t perfect, but I also know God brought us together and has a plan for us as a team and so I know that although he is not perfect and I am not perfect, we are perfect for each other. That in no way means our marriage is perfect., nobody’s is. That is impossible. But when we have our moments should I go to my best friends or my sisters or my mom and vent my frustrations. That would harm Brad, that would harm me and it would harm our home. If I have frustrations with Brad I talk to Brad about them. Only God knows me better than he does. Why would I do anything to take that away form him, to lose that connection with him?
One day something will happen, something impossible to plan for, something that will affect you both. Separately you’ll process theses times differently, but how you come through as a team is determined by the energy you’ve put into protecting your sacred bond.
Brad and I still hold hands and I am determined to still be holding his hand 50 years form now. I have made up my mind that I will never be glad when he’s away at a retreat or a conference. I will always keep the lights on.. always greet him with joy when he comes home,, speak of him with respect because the point of our marriage, of any marriage isn’t just marriage.
Marriage has a mission, it is designed to show something to the broken-ness of our world. It is a chance to display God’s love. When a marriage remains sacred when the two remain one, when they practice reconciliation, when they give grace, the redemption we have in Christ can be witnessed.
I covet this sacredness for all marriages. Let us encourage one another to reconciliation and grace. Let us hold true to the mystery of the connection of our marriage to Christ and the church.
It is redemptive, it is Christ alive in us.
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