Do you observe lent? That makes it look like you watch it from a distance. Do you practice lent? Do you look forward to Ash Wednesday. Do you dream about Fat Tuesday? When Brad and I were early in our relationship he mentioned that it is the practice for one to have pancakes on the Tuesday before lent. And I looked at him as if he had lobsters coming out of his ears.
Yesterday I was laughing at the irony that Valentine’s day fell on Ash Wednesday. A day that celebrates chocolate and sex and “love” but really brings consumerism, disappointment and loneliness. But as I thought further about it, it came to me that Ash Wednesday is just another religious construct, much like Valentine’s day is a hallmark construct. There is nothing biblical commanding us to a season of lent. Invariably it comes from Christ being in the dessert for 40 days before beginning his ministry and a denomination rife with legality. And while saying no to ourselves in the throes of temptation is good and important it is also important to remember that observing lent in no way saves us, just as Valentine’s Day in no way proves our love, or creates a sustaining sacrificial love.
My very first memory of Valentine’s day is from grade 3. We all had brown paper lunch bags up at the front of the class and throughout the day you could put valentine’s cards in the bags of whomever you wished. I don’t remember if I gave cards to everyone in my class, that wasn’t a rule in those days. I do remember giving a few out, I think mostly to the other girls that I thought were my friends. But then that moment, when you go get your bag and there are only a few cards in there. Like maybe three or four. And certainly the people I gave cards to didn’t necessarily feel the same way. And looking around the class and noticing of course, the more popular kids getting more cards. It was devastating and so began my negative connection to this misguided day.
If you love Valentine’s day and love celebrating it and going in for all the things associated with it, more power to you. But don’t expect me to tow your line. And don’t entertain the notion that I don’t love you the same because I don’t reciprocate on this one day of the year. I know so many people who demand action from their spouse on that day and if it doesn’t play up to their ideal then they add it to the list of disappointments. What would happen if you received AND gave love and respect to your spouse every day of the year and February 14th would seem like child’s play. If your relationship is in such a state that you rely on this day to receive affection and appreciation from your partner then maybe you should spend that money on marriage counselling instead of overpriced flowers and dinner out and chocolates.
Digressing
In comes Ash Wednesday and lent which, honestly, I have taken part in twice in my life. I have not been to Ash services. I have not had an ash cross drawn on my forehead. But I have given up things for lent. One year it was alcohol, just a few years ago it was Facebook. And both times were washouts. I stayed off the booze that first time because it’s somehow easy to say no when you look at the cost and also, halfway through that lent season I found out I was pregnant. The Facebook year was harder but both times left me with a resounding sense of loneliness and disappointment and I think it was because of the consumerism aspect of our faith.
I am speaking wholly for myself here in that when I look at lent it has become another construct of “what’s in it for me?” Those two times I felt God calling me to let go of those things and I said ok. But then “secretly” wondered, what am I going to get out of it? This is my secret shame that I still catch myself looking at my relationship with God and asking “what’s in it for me” What I actually voice is “what is your purpose for me Lord” but really, at the dark heart of it I am saying the former.
Maybe you don’t get anything out of it Colleen. Your God died for you. Is that not enough?
Yet still, I want something. And practicing piety during lent, waiting for these 40 days of the year to listen to God and pray more and read my bible more and talk about how I’m fasting from “this or that” does little more than turn me into the spouse that demands that special thing come Valentine’s Day. Do I daily show my love and appreciation to Christ. Do I only wait for special days to show him my ability to “sacrifice”. Does He wait for a special day of the year to show me how he loves me? It is a level of selfishness I was not aware I was capable of until recently. God does not call us into obedience for what he will do. He calls us into obedience because of what he has already done. And this, thankfully, is where we can leave Valentine’s and Lent in the dust.
In your marriage, as in your relationship with God, are you required only one day of the year to consider your spouse? Are you only required one day of the year to consider the Lord? Is that day Good Friday? Or maybe Christmas? With your spouse is that one day their birthday? Or your anniversary?
What a loss.
When you consider someone else, when you lean your heart towards them, when you give them space, every day, in your life wouldn’t it be for the better? When you put your own needs aside for them, isn’t there grace? When Christ put aside his desires for you.. wasn’t there grace?
Daily we are to pick up our cross, the instrument of our death, what we die on, and die to it every day. Every day. That means if we hold onto our selfishness we have to die to it even day. If we hold onto our pride we have to carry it to him every day. If we hold onto resentment, hurt, “know it all-i-ness”, power, hate, anger. We, every day, have to pick it up and give it to him.
This isn’t something we wait for lent to do. We do it now.
We don’t wait for Valentine’s Day to show love and appreciation, we do it now. Because he died for us. Not because he will. But because he already has.
