Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. It's cheesy, I know. It is from a soap opera after all. I mean, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't know which soap opera that is from. I was a big fan of soaps for a time. There was a point where I was watching 3-4 different shows and even knew what was going on in many of the other shows because I read the soap magazines. In my early teens Days of our Lives and Another World were my faves. So much drama. Perfect for a teenage girl right? And I was so unhappy with my real life that living vicariously through the characters on the soaps was so much better. Oh the teen years, the angst, the sweat, the hormones, not fitting in, not understanding life, awkward relationships, failing at generally everything. And I didn't care because most the people close to me didn't seem to care much either. I wasn't aware of it at the time but, looking back at my high school years I should have been diagnosed with depression.
It wasn't until I got out from the trap of high school that I really started to learn who I was. Even now, I'm still learning about myself. My mom always said I was a late bloomer. she's not wrong about that. Just like dahlias don't bloom until the heat from the summer sun has waned, the pressure and confusion and loneliness of school was gone and I could breathe and move.
I was always amazed at the girls that "got it". They seemed to have it all figured out. A guy on one arm and "A's" or "B's" on their tests and papers in their other arm. Ready to shoot off to UBC or SFU or TWU and here I was, barely getting "P's" and as for boys?? forget it. They were nice to me but I certainly was not the girl boys were into.
And I hated my teachers. None of them, except one, seemed to really give a damn about my education and I went to a private school so it's not like they were burdened with high needs students. No FAS, no ADHD, no Autism or anything undiagnosed. So instead of trying to help me learn algebra I was shunted off to stupid math. And instead of helping me conjugate my french verbs I was told in French 10 "well, you don't have to take french in gr. 11". We had a head teacher who cared more about what the kids were wearing (fyi: we had school uniforms) than helping students to succeed. And a gym teacher who acted more like a high schooler than a teacher. Not the most positive experience a girl can have.
When I graduated, I came within inches of burning my uniform and yearbooks. High school left nothing but a bitter caustic taste in the back of my mouth. And I left it there for anytime the subject of high school came up. I was glad to voice my distaste. frustrated. challenged. abandoned.
So how is it that 20 years later I am excited to go to my reunion? To see some of the teachers, to walk through the doors that held such a bad experience for me?
You know, I still haven't figured out why I was so excited. I have had the opportunity to connect with a few classmates over facebook and that has been rewarding and so I was glad to be seeing those people. But to revisit the place and the memories.... I was a little paralyzed in the car in the school parking lot. Anxiety overtook me. I made it in though and was the better for it.
God is good
It was as though it had never happened, yet it did. Those horrible five years were washed clean. I was finally able to fold them up and put them away. The bitterness in my mouth was gone, the caustic spirit fled. I mean.... 20 years is a frickin long time. How do you carry that torture with you? I've got better things to do with my time.
A friend recently told me how much she appreciates how real I am. I said "are you kidding me? I don't have time for phony bull shit". Give me real. Don't insult me with an act.
When the reunion evening was over and we were all leaving I felt free. Free from the burden of hate, the burden of regret. God had given me his spirit of forgiveness. His spirit of peace. It is beautiful and it is helping me to look upon other times in my life where I carry regret and work towards letting them go too.
If there is any advice I could pass on from my life to this point is this:
Let go of your burdens. They are like slow poison leaching your joy. You don't have time for that crap. Set it aside and stomp it into the dirt where it belongs. Let God replace it with His spirit of joy, fruitfulness, peace, light, love, forgiveness, compassion.
Keep on asking and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find it. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Matt 7:7-8
Over the summer I was begging God to give me his joy. I did not think that this would be the avenue it would come but, I'll take it. To be in joy with the Lord rather than burdened with dismay... what is better?
