So, moving here has been hard. I've made no secret about that. I have been upfront mostly because I have a really hard time faking it but also, so that when I respond poorly to a situation people might give me a little more grace instead of a lot more judgement. I have talked and thought and prayed and cried and raged and stewed about the move here...about our last two years in total. The culmination of days has not been easy. Part of it is just having a brood of little boys, the other part is wired into my DNA upbringing. I do not like change or contradiction and my parents grew up poor so there was never any financial relaxing. One parent was afraid to spend money, the other was afraid to have money. It is amazing how much worth, and entitlement can be tied to something so fragile. I would overhear my parents discuss how money was tight so I would be afraid to tell them that I had outgrown my underwear. One parent would scold me for not finishing my school lunch and leaving it to rot in my bag, and the other parent would treat me to an ice cream cone... for no reason.
And I hated change.. still do. Every time I switched schools I cried for days. One time my dad was talking seriously about selling our house and I just about lost it. Even when I got married I was thrilled right down to my socks to be married to the man of my dreams but the change of living with someone was hard and I cried about a lot of those changes for the first few months of our marriage.
I have discovered that fear breeds discontentment. Even at my happiest in my life I can think back to moments of complaint.
In a conversation with Brad not too long ago we were discussing the last few months and how I am coping (or not) and what came out of that conversation was contentment. And that I am not. And as I dig deeper, maybe I have never been. Ever. So, as I have stewed on this idea the last little while I have noticed that dis)contentment has been the general theme in the conversations I am having with just about everyone in my life. There is a lot of discontentment in the world. Why is that? I mean from lifer Christians even. People that are supposed to exude the 'joy, joy, joy, joy down in their hearts' there is an unrest, a distrust, a wary faith, an emptiness, a not enough, a wanting more, a been let down, a never gonna forget the hurt they caused, a general "their grass is greener" kind of haunting.
There seems to be an unbalance as well in the dis)contentment idea. While I have friends that hold on to their hurts as if they are afraid to be happy, I also have friends that refuse to admit to any hurt at all. they never deal with the trauma they have experienced and so bury it because "I will not be defeated" is their battle cry, yet discontentment finds a way because inevitably it rears it's ugly head out another corridor.
How hard is it to say "I am ok in where I am at right at this moment." I have met Christians that are at peace when a loved one dies but can't handle day to day life. Aren't we supposed to be content? Isn't that part of our burden? That's a big contradiction for me. Contentment...our burden...
I can remember as a child singing in church "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot though hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul"
I didn't get it as a child, I sort of got it as a teenager but when that song really hit home was when our firstborn dream was unfulfilled. I tell you, "sorrows like sea billows" is woeful understatement. I stood in a shower till the water ran cold and I didn't notice, I almost collapsed into a heap on the floor when Brad was talking to the hospital about what to do with "the body". There was no "it is well" in those times for me. I am always in awe of someone who can experience that kind of loss and say "it's ok, it wasn't meant to be" and truly believe it and be at peace with it. Do they not understand that this is not how God intended for things to be? Death is not part of his original design. He submitted his own child to the ills of satan's destruction of God's original plan.
So when I started this post yesterday I was going about my day like every other day. Had some laughs with the boys, had some battles with the boys, refereed some battles between the boys. Noah crashed on the couch just before supper and I sat and had sleepy snuggles with him and soaked it in because those things you HAVE to soak in. Listen to them sleepy breathe, look at and hold their little pudgy hand and fingers in yours. Kiss their head, breathe it all in because it doesn't last. I tried to finish this post last night after the three were in bed but got distracted by the tv. So today, while I'm helping Brad get packed up for camping with Carlon and Noah, I am thinking about how to finish up this post. Questions like "So where does contentment fit in?" "How do I balance contentment and burden?" "Can we take God out of the equation?"
Then I saw it, I read about it, I wept about it....
Children being beheaded in Iraq for loving Jesus, or for their parents loving Jesus. And the children who manage to escape... these children who were probably told by their parents to run....their parents who were being raped and murdered.... were dying in the hills for starvation, dehydration, exhaustion. It is the most breath stealing, gut stomping, enraging act I have ever heard of. Babies... heads being chopped off and put on stakes.... women...mommies being raped and made into slaves.... men.. daddies being forced to renounce their faith and being killed anyways. Where is the contentment now. I have such unrest. My deep seeded mommy soul wants to run to Iraq and save all those wee ones, gather them up and protect them. I have wept in prayer today that God has them safe in his hands. That they felt no fear in their death, that they are reunited with their parents and Christ. I don't even know where to go from here.. I am losing words, my heart is crumbling.
So, where does contentment fit in?
I am not content with the ills of this world, and yet I let the ills seep in and unravel me. The little ills and the big ones. There is no discerning them except when ones so big make me lose my heart, the little ills don't have any hold.
Am I making sense? I am so lost.
I prayed today that God would do something "old testament" worthy in Iraq. That he would show the world his wonders. Because it seems like that is the only thing that will get people to listen anymore. Nobody is listening for the whisper. We need him to give a sonic boom.
I think I have it now. The balance between contentment and burden...
Be thankful for the good He has given you.
Maybe your house needs repairs... at least you have a house.
Maybe your spouse drives you bonkers with how he does the laundry...Thank God you weren't married to a armed forces officer that was killed in action in Afghanistan.
Maybe your children fight more than you can handle.... millions of families around the world can't have children and even more children have no siblings or families to fight with or be hugged by.
You don't like the music that your church leads worship with.... millions of our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world literally risk their lives to sing any song that praises Christ.
Be content with your cushy safe life
Carry a burden for those that are dying for Christ. Truly. Dying. For. HIM
For me to live is Christ, to die is gain...
we have no idea...
none
