undignified

As the Ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart. They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in it’s place inside the tent that David had pitched for it and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty. Then he gave a loaf of bread and a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes. When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel - I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honour.” And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death. 

2 Samuel 6:16-23

Praise God in his sanctuary,

praise him in his mighty heavens.

Praise him for his acts of power,

praise him for his surpassing greatness.

Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,

praise him with the harp and lyre,

praise him with tambourine and dancing, 

praise him with strings and flute,

praise him with the clash of cymbals, 

praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Psalm 150

I am always stunned by these two passages. I have heard them many times in my growing up years and since I am still growing up, I am still hearing them; I am drawn to them, I am tormented by them, I receive joy when I read them and weep when I read them too. 

David, the man after God’s heart. The only man in the bible to attain that status, that badge. Imperfect David, murderer David, adulterer David. Good ol’ Davey had his challenges, he had lapses, as we all do. How can such a blatant sinner be called a man after God’s heart? Who knows why Michal was so full of anger for him at the sight. Maybe she was jealous, maybe she felt resentful that she was not royalty. I think it most likely that she did not understand what it meant to know God, to be in relationship with him. More’s the pity. Oh what an emptiness we harbour when we don't know the Lord. A hole that can be filled with anything. Anything. 

To be honest, I probably would have been shocked to see my king dancing… and then to see my king dancing in front of slave girls and servants.. and then to see him dancing, in front of slave girls and servants scantily clad. But, have we lived in David’s skin? David has experienced God’s grace on a level that is beyond anything. When I read about David’s life, I imagine he might have had moments of great depression. Severe depths. But. He. Always. Sought. The. Lord. He refused to let go of God. Even in torment, even in sin, even in betrayal, even while being pursued by his enemies, even when his best friend was killed, even when his son died. There was no turning away from God. And this celebration for the ark was before his adultery, his murder of Uriah, the death of his son from that adultery. 

David was determined to love God, to seek God, at any cost to his own image. He put himself aside for the Lord for this. Granted, not always. But of course, then what is the need for Christ. If we are perfect - where does Jesus fit into the equation? David would be the first to admit that his choice of worship style would not be perfect but it was pleasing to God because he did not regard his desires above the Lord’s.

I often struggle with feeling imperfect in my worship, I’m distracted by the boys, I’m distracted by the wrong chord, or maybe it’s a song I’m not crazy about. Sometimes my heart just isn’t into it. Sad to say, my heart, just isn't into it. Maybe it’s the expectation of perfect worship that I can’t live up to. Maybe it’s that sometimes I forget what God has actually done for me. I imagine if I was physically present at Christ’s crucifixion I wouldn't have to worry about my heart being into it. 

When I was younger, there were times when I identified with Michal. I would be distracted by someone else’s style of worship, how they behaved, no regard for their own humility. And I resented them. That they were distracting me. Me. ME. MEEEEEEE. It’s all about ME didn’t you know? Worship of our King is all about how it makes ME feel. And order. We must have order. and it must all be in the same key and it must be all on beat and heaven help us make it a song I like and make me feel something but don't make me feel like you are manipulating my feelings. This is about me dammit. I want to come away from church feeling better about myself. Like I’m doing pretty good, that God is there for me, meeeeeeeee… wheeeeeeee. I love it when church serves my needs. It must be perfect. 

“Um hello, what about me?” Says Jesus, stretching his arms out wide.

We come to the table to worship with our broken imperfect selves and offer up broken and imperfect worship, and love, and service, and forgiveness and he takes our broken imperfect and turns it into grace. 

And then we hoard the grace, or we try to. But often we find ourselves lacking in any grace at all. Manna was given everyday, fresh and new,. It was not permitted to be stored, it was a lesson to the Israelites about grace - but they didn't get it. They were all about MEEEEE. Do more for us Lord. Pillars of smoke and fire are not enough. Parting the sea is not enough. Give us more, more, more. The grace - the manna, even though it fell every day - a miracle, every day, became boring, became common place, became expected, became.. meh.

And they demanded more.

And he gave

And it was never enough. Because they didn’t see their brokenness, they didn’t see who God was. And they wandered for 40 years and never entered into His rest. And Michal was barren until the end of her life. And David’s son died because of his adultery and sins. Adam and Eve chose themselves over God and saw the garden nevermore. Cain chose himself over God and he was marked. More was demanded. Free us form exile Lord, free us from famine Lord, give us more, and more and more. Until He gave us his Son. And still, is it enough?

When I was young my faith was young. I didn't know what God was capable of in my life. As I have lived I have learned. There is still so much I don't know. But what I do know is we have no clue. We have no regard for what God is actually capable of, what he has done for us. The sacrifice he gave because of his love for us. Does this mean he loved his son less than us? No. It means His Son loved God more than himself. Maybe that’s what stops us form being undignified before the Lord. From truly accepting the call placed on our lives, what it really means to be more like Christ. To lay one’s life down for their brother. Dear Lord, you are not calling us to be crucified to save the world are you? 

I want to insert a bitch face emoji here. 

Get a grip, again we are thinking too much of ourselves.

Put. Yourself. Aside. dear child.

Do not elevate yourself to being Christ. Even Christ did not put himself on the same playing field as God the Father. 

Lay down your life; your desires, your needs, your preferences, your joys, your sorrows, your gifts for your Lord. Put it all at the foot of the cross and see Christ blood drip on it and make it and you whiter than snow. Live with that vision seared into your brain. And the next time you come to the table, to your church to sing, to serve, to pray - think about that. Think about why you are there. Is it for your glory? Or for His. Will you be undignified, celebrating like your life has just been saved? Or will you stand there refusing to sing because you don't like the song?

Or, you know, let the rocks cry out and the trees clap their hands. 

wait..

I don’t want to talk about the new year, or resolutions. I don’t want to be like every other blogger or social media maven out there. But, it is right in front of me, in my way, almost shouting at me.

The end of a year and the beginning of another is always a surprise to me. Every December I think “How did this happen? This year went by so fast. How is it already December? January? January? What does it all mean?” And I can’t even get past those thoughts to look forward to January and new beginnings and what’s my “one word” going to be and, (barf) - resolutions. 

Historically, January and February have been very depressive months for me. I fight with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I take my vitamin D and find the sun spots during the peak hours of the day but it becomes more than that. We start in December by having all this great anticipation of Christ coming. Advent has us hold the hope and live for peace and have joy and give love and then, He’s here! And we tear at paper and return what’s unwanted. All the turkey is deconstructed and certainly by now all the leftovers have been re-leftovered and the kids are back at their grind while the grown-ups dream about warmer places while sipping their coffees and looking out the window at -35. brrrr And it all ends up feeling.. anti-climactic. Because we have frenzied ourselves up to it being just about His coming, and none of it is about our coming to Him.

It feels a little like all foreplay - no intercourse.

Or for a more demure analogy - all labour and no delivery

We put all our eggs into the Christmas basket, and are left with these months of supposed change. As far as I’m concerned, the Lenten practice of “what can I give up” is too far away from Christmas.

Did Christ come so we could spoil each other with unnecessary gifts? Did he come so we could put a tree in our house and have parties and eat too much food and lament what we didn’t receive? Is that the point of it all?

I spent all that effort and time writing into advent and pursuing what it means to have joy and peace and hope and love, but I never asked the question, “What does that look like for me? What are you calling me to do with this Lord? What is next?”

I have had a heart’s cry, a groaning within me for a while but I didn't know what it was. I dismissed it as loneliness, or homesickness and while those things still hold to me this was not that. It started quiet and slow before Christmas even started. I was late in decorating, baking didn't happen with he same fervour, the regular Christmas distractions were more of a burden and as the season went on, the groaning became heavier in my heart. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until now. The biggest thing missing from the Christmas season isn’t the focus on the commercial, it’s the lack of focus on the after birth. Christ came to earth for us so that we would follow him. And what does it look like to follow him? Does it look like resolutions we’ll never keep? Calling that charity to make that donation so our conscience is eased and we can get the tax break? 

Don’t get me wrong, Charities need our help - any time of year, and making personal improvement change is always a good thing to do. I love some good resolve. But it is always so temporary because it lacks conviction. It is fleeting because it requires higher calling. It is empty because it is derived of purpose. People love the new year because it feels like an opportunity for a clean slate but God didn't wait for a new year for Christ to be born. He is born every day in our hearts and we are required to die every day for him. 

I have had many a clean slate in my life, and none of them have landed on New Year’s day. They have, however, all come from Christ. Every time I feel like a new born being, what I had held too, the comfort I lived in is gone, and I am a new creation - again - living with the purpose of answering his call on my life.

Right now I’m feeling like that newborn again. For me, 2016 was full of rebuilding, and emotion, and revelation and, renewal and repurpose and gratitude. I am currently feeling like a newborn again, I am in the after birth and I don't know what to do next other than wail for my mother’s breast and flail my arms about. I am new and moldable, looking for purpose, looking for his guidance. Last year he called me to put my energy and thought into rebuilding my life in Christ and it was not wasted. Now, after days of prayer and reflection I know he is telling me to wait. I will be honest, I have a lot of questions for him right now, I am looking for answers; “Wait” was not the answer I wanted. I know from experience that when he calls me to wait on him, the next call will be to move with him, to up and go and do with him. It usually means change in some form or another. But I will not hold to tomorrows worries. I will let myself be held close to his breast, to be filled with his word, be nourished by his love and grace. My year will be a year of wait and I am ok with that. The groaning has ceased, He has answered my heart’s cry.