wait..

I don’t want to talk about the new year, or resolutions. I don’t want to be like every other blogger or social media maven out there. But, it is right in front of me, in my way, almost shouting at me.

The end of a year and the beginning of another is always a surprise to me. Every December I think “How did this happen? This year went by so fast. How is it already December? January? January? What does it all mean?” And I can’t even get past those thoughts to look forward to January and new beginnings and what’s my “one word” going to be and, (barf) - resolutions. 

Historically, January and February have been very depressive months for me. I fight with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I take my vitamin D and find the sun spots during the peak hours of the day but it becomes more than that. We start in December by having all this great anticipation of Christ coming. Advent has us hold the hope and live for peace and have joy and give love and then, He’s here! And we tear at paper and return what’s unwanted. All the turkey is deconstructed and certainly by now all the leftovers have been re-leftovered and the kids are back at their grind while the grown-ups dream about warmer places while sipping their coffees and looking out the window at -35. brrrr And it all ends up feeling.. anti-climactic. Because we have frenzied ourselves up to it being just about His coming, and none of it is about our coming to Him.

It feels a little like all foreplay - no intercourse.

Or for a more demure analogy - all labour and no delivery

We put all our eggs into the Christmas basket, and are left with these months of supposed change. As far as I’m concerned, the Lenten practice of “what can I give up” is too far away from Christmas.

Did Christ come so we could spoil each other with unnecessary gifts? Did he come so we could put a tree in our house and have parties and eat too much food and lament what we didn’t receive? Is that the point of it all?

I spent all that effort and time writing into advent and pursuing what it means to have joy and peace and hope and love, but I never asked the question, “What does that look like for me? What are you calling me to do with this Lord? What is next?”

I have had a heart’s cry, a groaning within me for a while but I didn't know what it was. I dismissed it as loneliness, or homesickness and while those things still hold to me this was not that. It started quiet and slow before Christmas even started. I was late in decorating, baking didn't happen with he same fervour, the regular Christmas distractions were more of a burden and as the season went on, the groaning became heavier in my heart. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until now. The biggest thing missing from the Christmas season isn’t the focus on the commercial, it’s the lack of focus on the after birth. Christ came to earth for us so that we would follow him. And what does it look like to follow him? Does it look like resolutions we’ll never keep? Calling that charity to make that donation so our conscience is eased and we can get the tax break? 

Don’t get me wrong, Charities need our help - any time of year, and making personal improvement change is always a good thing to do. I love some good resolve. But it is always so temporary because it lacks conviction. It is fleeting because it requires higher calling. It is empty because it is derived of purpose. People love the new year because it feels like an opportunity for a clean slate but God didn't wait for a new year for Christ to be born. He is born every day in our hearts and we are required to die every day for him. 

I have had many a clean slate in my life, and none of them have landed on New Year’s day. They have, however, all come from Christ. Every time I feel like a new born being, what I had held too, the comfort I lived in is gone, and I am a new creation - again - living with the purpose of answering his call on my life.

Right now I’m feeling like that newborn again. For me, 2016 was full of rebuilding, and emotion, and revelation and, renewal and repurpose and gratitude. I am currently feeling like a newborn again, I am in the after birth and I don't know what to do next other than wail for my mother’s breast and flail my arms about. I am new and moldable, looking for purpose, looking for his guidance. Last year he called me to put my energy and thought into rebuilding my life in Christ and it was not wasted. Now, after days of prayer and reflection I know he is telling me to wait. I will be honest, I have a lot of questions for him right now, I am looking for answers; “Wait” was not the answer I wanted. I know from experience that when he calls me to wait on him, the next call will be to move with him, to up and go and do with him. It usually means change in some form or another. But I will not hold to tomorrows worries. I will let myself be held close to his breast, to be filled with his word, be nourished by his love and grace. My year will be a year of wait and I am ok with that. The groaning has ceased, He has answered my heart’s cry.