Whoa!....
has it really been that long? More than a month since my last post. If there's anyone out there actually reading this, I'm sorry that this page has been silent. I really wasn't aware that that much time had passed. We have had an intense couple months here. In the quiet north of BC this home has been in an intense storm of emotion and sorrow. Three deaths in 3 months.... let that sink in for a moment. Two grandmas and an "auntie" from our church. It's all too much right? It is for me. And since the first grandmas passing in February I have been spiraling down into a pit. Deep, dark, ugly pit. (hint: when the blog is quiet.... I'm probably drowning) that sounds self serving and dark but it's true. When I am at my mental and emotional worst I am buried so deep in words and thoughts and feelings I don't understand that I can't possibly wade my way through to make any sense of it to write it out. Aside from the deaths, we reached our one year anniversary of living here. Looking back, the year flew by. And that actually scares me a little. Did I miss out on anything? Have I cocooned myself wishing this time away?....
There have been many tears, and quiet suffering, and emotional turmoil, and battling demons that would cut my world with the blades of depression. It has happened before and I have been so ever determined to never let it happen again. But, living here has taken me too far away from my people. I am not known here. I am an alien. There is no comfort of familiarity. I am getting to know people but it is not the same. There is such warmth in silent ease. There is no place here for me to go to and just be. I always feel "on" and for an introvert that is exhausting. like... almost debilitatingly so.
So many people told me it would be easier with the kids being little. Quicker to adapt... the youngest won't remember...
I daresay it is not easier. This sort of life change is only easy if you have no connections to anybody or anything. And at the risk of sounding bitchy, I'm going to file this life experience under the same folder as miscarriage. If you haven't experienced it yourself, don't try to offer any diatribes, or pithy advice.
We just came back from a long weekend ant my sister's. My hometown. Vancouver. Oh I miss it so. And the boys do too. We had such an amazing time, nobody wanted to leave. Tears flowed almost the whole 40 minute drive to the airport. The next day at home was HORRID. The two littles were soooo grumpy. They did not want to be here. I can't blame them. Who wants to be in a place where there is no family?
Cap is almost finished school and we will be heading to Alberta for our long scheduled family vacation. We are all looking forward to it. Another place that has familiarity. We need it. All of us. But, still, it is not the same.
I get that we are supposed to live our lives as Christians as though we are aliens. In the world but not of it. Beyond that, I am still trying to understand why God has sent us here. What is he trying to tell us?
This has just become a ramble... I'm sorry. It was all on my tongue and I needed to spit it out. To be honest this is only the tip of the iceberg. But, what hangs on underneath is not fit for publication. Not yet anyways. Maybe in time.
If you pray... if you feel like praying for us, please do so. We are challenged as a family right now. There are named and unnamed stresses pulling and pushing at us and we need the prayers of God's people.
