Have you ever had that moment when you realize you are selfish? I think we are all selfish, but we don't like to admit it or accept it. But then there is that event that happens and it smacks you in the face and you look at yourself and say "dammit, what a selfish jerk I am"
Well, today... sucked. The night with the boys was hard, the morning was hard and as the day wore on, I was blind sided by a depression/lonliness/homesickness. It was overwhelming. Like, crying at nothing. laying on my bed trying to convince myself that the boys need me. It was not good.
Cut to me and the boys picking up a friend at the airport and being late to boot... Then the hammer falls... Brad has to go to the hospital because a former member is dying. This is the seventh person in three months. My husband is tired. Really tired. So much so, that when he told me about this new person he was fighting the tears. My husband is getting a crash course in death ministry. So let me add my selfish voice in here. Ministry is hard. Don't kid yourself, don't romanticize it. It is beat your ass hard. It is heavy yoke hard, people broken hard. And being married to ministry is even harder. You would probably take issue with that statement. Let me remind you, this is my selfish voice coming through but let me also explain. I can't take any of that burden from him. I can't visit those people dying, I can't run those funerals. I can't meet with those broken people. I can only watch. Watch as his shoulders droop, as he loses sleep... so my default is to protect him but keeping him to myself.
It doesn't always work... in fact, it never works.
If you don't like sharing then don't marry a pastor.
I have to share him with everybody and I hate it. His heart is big and he loves the people he serves and sometimes... all times his job comes first. We don't like to admit it but it's true. His job pays the bills and is a big part of our lives. As much as we would like to think that our family, or I come first, it's really not the case.
So here we are. This afternoon, We have our friend staying with us, it's the chaos of post school, pre-supper and Brad gets the call that death has come and he needs to go care for the family.
What?! No, They can wait. You are tired, you need rest. I need you to stay. My day was crap and our friend is here and the boys are crazy and I need you here. I need you here.
He looked at me and looked at his phone, and looked at me. He looks worn. He doesn't want to have to go but he's pulled. And instead of marrying a wife who would take him in her arms and pray God's strength over him and send him off commissioned and loved, he married a crazy lady who pulls on him to stay home. And she harbours jealousy towards these people that take them away from her.
And she hates herself for it.
And he comes home and tells her that the next of kin has mental issues and was rude to him. The family is broken and I was mad because I had a bad day and wanted my man home.... ..... geez
Where is the line? how do I support and protect my husband. And how do do that without being a selfish "B"?
So I pulled him aside. My Hawkeye, my straight shooter, cheeky, honest, big hearted love. I looked in his soft blue eyes and told him I was sorry, I was selfish, and I was wrong.
I love him and I love that he has the pastor's heart I just wish sometimes that he wasn't always so giving with that heart.
Selfish, protect, hard, burden, weary, tired....
Not romantic
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