if you ain't where you are..

I was texting with some moms this last week, checking in on each other and as we shared about our days and our feelings, our kids and our dreams, it struck me how we just can’t seem to be OK. How is this possible? We have book upon book instructing us how to embrace and rebuild, how to be grateful and joyful, and how to love and accept our lives where ever they may be at. Yet here, in my corner of the world (and with social media, my corner is pretty big) we just can’t seem to wrap our noggins around the concept of acceptance. We live in this dichotomy of expectation and reality and can’t seem to marry or reconcile the two. 

I’ve been wracking by brain trying to think of an instance in the bible where someone, preferably a woman-specifically a mom, was struggling with this.. this unruly bowl of noodles. And I can’t. There is no specific time where mom A and mom B come up to Jesus and say, “Lord, I want to do this and my kids demand this, while my husband is expecting this.” And mom B says, “Lord, I don’t even know what I want, I’m disappearing into my family, can you give me a calling and make it something I already like to do or at least awaken a new desire?” And Jesus says something profoundly impossible to understand because they don’t see for sure that he is the Christ and they go on their way just as conflicted as when they came to him. For the record, I sometimes come away from the bible feeling that way. I think part of it is because I go to the bible with expectations. Like it’s the key to ALL my answers. I know it isn’t, but it is so easy to fall into the pattern of “God, what do I do here?” “What are you calling me to do in this specific instance?” “Lord help me to organize my day” “Lord, please help me to not let the kids watch tv all day again today” “Lord, keep me from feeling like a Pinterest fail” When, instead I should be saying “Thank you Jesus, I love you.”

The closest I could think of to this situation is Mary and Martha. If you aren’t familiar with the story, Jesus and his disciples are at Mary and Martha’s house and Mary is sitting at Jesus feet because I mean come on, wouldn’t you? The Messiah is at your house, don’t you want to sit at his feet? But Martha is angry, she is slaving away in the kitchen preparing the feast. I mean, come on, wouldn’t you? The Messiah is at your house, along with 12 OTHER MEN. This is not the time to order out for pizza. Wouldn’t you want to make your very best meal for the Lord? But in this case Martha had expectations of Mary. And Jesus says “Oh Martha, Martha, Martha” -paraphrasing.

Sometimes I feel like he is saying that to me. Oh Colleen, Colleen, Colleen. Because I’m Mary and Martha in the same body. I place conflicting expectations on myself. And then throw in there the burden of my own brood in my house, (did I just say burden? I mean love, love of my own brood) the concerns of my family elsewhere, and everybody I meet because that’s how I role. But that creates an unrealistic reality, or an alternate universe, or the desire for cloning - me, not everyone else. It is where ideas of should be’s and want to’s and why can’t’s and self-spectations take over the what is. 

I am finding that it is the expectations of ourselves that is diminishing us.

well..

What is my reality? 

My boys wake up too early and I like to sleep in

My want? 

I would rather they sleep in and I wake up early. 

My self-spectation.

That I would just get my ass out of bed and start my day with a prayer and a smile, instead of a grump and a coffee.

My reality?

Three boys under 8 and they fight.

My why can’t?

Just get along and everyBODY STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!

My self-spectation?

I get on my knees and play with them more.

My reality?

I am a stay at home mom

My want to?

Stay a stay at home mom but make everyone else go out (haha..hah)

My self-spectation?

Does June Cleaver ring a bell?

My reality?

My husband is a pastor and for all intents and purposes is “on-call” for ministry 24-7 and it would really help him if I stepped up my game in the running of the house

My should be?

I want pastoring to be different. 

My self-spectation?

That my superpower be perfect pastor-wifing (however that looks to you)

How is any of this helpful? Why do I put these expectations on myself. Some of them I think are doable I just have too much pride, others are just ridiculous. Yet these self-spectations are what I place as the benchmark. And in talking with others I’m not the only one that does this. I have no problems with setting goals and having expectations but when those things get in the way of doing the here and now, get in the way of being present, block the way to the holiness of such a time as this, then we have a problem. 

Jesus wants to redeem our lives, our waking lives, our wiping bums and pick-up from school lives, our music lesson and PTA lives, our delighting in our children lives, our treating our spouse as an ally not an enemy lives. He wants to be here in the now. Not the should be, or want to be. If we can’t be present in our now and love and accept it for what it is then we are drifting, we might as well be an astronaut floating through space and time. My self expectations are getting in the way of being fully present for my boys, for my husband. Even for my family and friends. 

“If you ain’t where you are, you’re no place” -Colonel Potter

So how do we do this? how does this look practical? We show up. We look at what is going on around us and in our home and with our friends and our community and we show up, we jump on the wagon, we get involved. We lay down our expectation of how we think it should be or how we want it to be and we pick up how He has made it to be. Because when you are doing, there is no time to be wishing. And when you are doing, you are in and when you are in you see Holy. I think that is what He has called us all to do. Be present, look for the Holy and jump on it.