I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore, a few months ago I had more words than I knew what to do with and I was entering into a writers group. I had all sorts of encouragement from friends and family to carry on. I even felt affirmed and encouraged by God that I was on the right path. Then it happened. A person, a writer I respected responded to my request for connection through social media with a resounding “yes”. As I tried to not fangirl, I cooly clicked away on the computer and connection complete. Well, it was all a fallacy. This writer had no intention of really connecting as a few weeks later I was dropped like a hot mess. I wrote about this briefly on instagram but it is a re-opening of a deep wound. A wound I thought had fully healed, a wound that went far deeper than I thought because it triggered a lot of feelings from my youth. Dishonesty, feeling like a fool, seeking approval, pedestal lifting, seeking my value and worth in others. So it has been a wakeup call of sorts for me and has consumed my thoughts and pushed me down a pit with no words.
you’re probably thinking “but Colleen, you have words right now”
Except, I don’t even really want to be writing this out for you all. Maybe, it’s not so much that I don’t have the words but that I’m kind of lost and don’t have the heart for it. My heart is a bit fractured.
Since this happened I have been looking at social media differently. I have been looking at it more suspicious of motive, more skeptic of sincerity. I follow, or was following 9 different christian writer/bloggers on Facebook and or instagram. Most of them know each other and support each other so there is this whole #squadgoals thing going on that puts a magnifying glass on my lonely northern life as my “squad” lives elsewhere. Almost all of them have written a book or two and hawk each others wares through their social media or domains. They all follow and like the same stuff and so propagate this culture within the christian blogger/writer community that feels contrived and one time it felt like one of them was using a family tragedy to hashtag her new book.
So, there it is. It all feels like smoke and mirrors, just a big marketing parade. Put it all out there, write what your readers want to read. None of it feels real anymore so I dropped all but two of them, The only two that don’t feel like they’re trying to be like everyone else with their writing.
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| OMG! who cares about your feet?! |
What does this all have to do with my writing? I’ve got nothing. Since seeing behind the Oz curtain I feel like there is nothing there for me. That I was fooling myself that subconsciously I was trying to be like them and it now seems pointless.
I have no words, no heart to write. What my mind and heart ponders, I write in my personal journal and keep it to myself. Nothing is inspiring or motivating me. Honestly? I feel defeated. Part of the challenge is that I don’t care. I don’t care to put my feelings into words then put those words out there for everyone else. I don’t want to turn into one of “them” that would sell out my family to get more readers on my blog or likes on insta or fb. Earlier this year I started to build a monument. It was supposed to be everyday but it was getting harder. I was running out of things to say and I felt like I was getting repetitive and was just doing it because somebody out there was expecting it, so it lacked sincerity. Therefore, I’m not publicly adding stones to my monument anymore. Because sometimes you don’t need to know all that is going on in my heart between me and my God.
Part of my writing started because I was angry and I’m not angry anymore but, I am lonely. Lonely and tired and mommy brained out and disillusioned. This well is dry and dark. And writing - just throwing stuff out into the ether won’t fix it.
I have been on my knees a lot but it has been slow. God isn’t filling up my cup as quickly as I’d like and the wounds of my youth are still to tender to the touch.
I wrote all this to tell you thank you for encouraging me over this last year but I don’t know if I have anymore to say and any desire to say it anymore. I’m leaving the blog up in case I feel compelled but for now,
Grace, Love and Peace
I am sorry that you have been "pummeled" by unexpected and frustrating rejection by your writing heroes. I have been amazed by the things you have written and did not know that writing was part f you. You had the words, in my mind at least. I pray you will know we appreciate what you write and think and feel. I am so pleased by how you have hung in in the North with your rambunctious brood and the lack of regular contact with your oh so close family. I would hope you could write again at a point. Know you are a blessi9ng to many, my friend.
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