out on a limb..

The beginning of this year God told me to wait, and I have looked into all that can mean. Wait on him? Wait for him? What do I do in the waiting? It is a lot to figure out and my thoughts aren’t settled overnight. So, I have been pretty quiet on here lately, part busyness, part ignoring, part scared, part not too sure I should even be doing this. I really struggle with the inauthentic authenticity of blogs. The calculated sincerity, being genuine, writing to “your” audience. The marketing end of it is so disheartening and disturbing. All those thoughts and questions and answers have brought up many doubts and fears, questioning motives questioning ability, questioning calling. It’s amazing how little it takes for the deceiver to get his claws into something. When I decided to start blogging a few years ago I believe at the time, it was out of anger. I wanted to scream and I had no voice. So, I used the blog as a way to scream. I look back on some of those posts and cringe. I can remember how I felt and it drips through my words. 

I was mad that I had to move, that God sent us somewhere, and it coloured, or, blacked out, every nuance in my days. And while I have learned so much about myself and God through this, one thing I can’t seem to get my thick skull around is to not be afraid. Every time God calls me to something new, I am afraid. 

Do you have that too?

Even if it is something I have wanted, When it seems clear that it is in front of me I figure I must’ve taken a wrong turn. 

“What God?”

“No no no no, that’s not for me”

“You must have me mistaken for someone else”

“I don’t know how to do that”

“Can’t I just stay here where it doesn’t require anything of me?”

“I don’t. like. change!”

That last one Brad and I will say to each other over different situations as a joke. 

But really.

I don’t like change.

Even the first three months after Brad and I were married, I cried a lot.

How do you live with someone? It’s weird and awkward!

Right now I am wrestling with this blog, with writing, with discerning God’s call on my life. I’m great at figuring out other peoples “things”. Never so astute on my own issues.

Brad is currently preaching through Exodus and last week was all about Moses’ excuses when he met God at the burning bush and was being called to lead Israel out of Egypt. 

“But, but, but”

Was basically the gist of it.

And God was all,
“I will do, I will do, I will do”

And Moses was all,

“but I can’t speak goodly - lkdhfnsdoihfn - See?”

And God was all,

“fuh-cryin’out-loud”

I have met God at a burning bush and he is telling me to do something and I have been all but, but, but and he has been “Ok, I will..” and I keep stalling and he keeps loving and I keep hiding under my failures and self doubt and he keeps pulling away the layers and showing me how big he is..

So, um, I think right now God is all like,

“Colleen… fuh-cryin’out-loud. What’s it gonna take?”

I don’t know God. Just, I’m scared ‘cause I’m little and you’re big and you know things and I don’t and the voice in my head telling me I can’t is somehow easier to listen to then your voice telling me I can and I have a history of not following through on things and I don’t want to fail you and as much as I want this I also feel totally unequipped (good christian jargon) for what you are telling me to do.

And on Sunday when Brad was preaching (which, by the way, I told him he was a big stinky poo head for preaching this) God said to me:

“Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I the LORD? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say”

Now, go ahead and argue with me that I am using this scripture out of context. That God was speaking to Moses, and Moses only.

And I will say,

How dare you confine the living word to that one time and space. Your God must be pretty damn small. 

And I will realize that I like the fact that my God is so big, strong and mighty that there is nothing he cannot do.

There is nothing he cannot do.

And the sparrows are smaller than me.

And the Israelites didn’t do as God called them and they wandered in a desert for 40 years.

So, I am starting. Even though I’m scared and doubt my ability and don’t even know how to go about starting what it is I’m supposed to do. I mean, he’s really got me out on a limb here, and I’m afraid of heights.