Done.

Do you ever have those moments where you just can't? You've hit overload and have shut down emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually? You just feel numb. Not even that because then you'd be feeling. You just aren't responding to anything because you just can't.
I have been... assaulted ...it's the best word I can think of... with undesirables. Conflict, anger, independence assertion, tears, confusion, regret, hate, illness.
I am surrounded by littles that demand so much of me that I can't even go to the bathroom in peace. They act like I've disappeared into some black hole or swirling vortex. I can't go downstairs to get something from the garage without someone upset that I won't let them come with me. And if I hear one more person tell me "it's a season" and "I'll miss it when it's gone" I'm gonna kick 'em right in the berries.
This "season" of my life has been hard. So hard for me in fact that I have actually vocalized the desire to go back to the two weeks of hospital bed rest I experienced with our second pregnancy. Those two weeks were the most painful time of my life. Physically and emotionally. I basically was in labour for two weeks and seriously doubted my ability as a mom in a purely visceral sense.
So, why would I want to go back to that?
Because it had an end. You can be pregnant for only so long. 42 weeks. 43 if your doctor is sadistic. Even those two weeks, as exhausting as they were, came to an end.
This particular season I am currently in started two years ago. Two years! There has been little evidence of hope or peace for me. Friends have tried to help me see a bright side but I can't do it. I won't bore you with the list of "oh poor me" cause I know there are literally millions that have it worse and their season is a lifetime.
I am sure that there is an end in sight, I just can't see it right now and this is a problem. We have had a significant event occur in the last two weeks and it should make me excited or feel like things are coming to an end, but all I can see is an extension of the season. Kind of like what most of Canada has been dealing with this winter. Second and third winters to be precise. I am now entering into my third winter. I am hoping it is the last, that it is short, that the sun, when it shines will shine out all the clearer.
If you can't tell, I am tired. Tired of waiting, tired of hoping, tired of...everything. I'm even tired of being tired.
So now there is nothing. I can't even process and if I try it comes out with anger and tears. I am so incapable of expressing myself properly in the moment that I had to write my husband a letter after we'd had an argument.
So where does this leave me? I am..... I don't know. ...grasping at my faith like a cat that misjudged a jump.
I believe Lord.... help me in my unbelief