So.
Here we are.
At the start of another school year. I'm not ready for it. The boys have had their moments over the summer but, for the most part, they have had a great summer. But, here we are none the less. Summer break is over and it's back to schedules and Carlon is in grade 2 and we are sending Noah to preschool, which goes against all that is in me - and yet we are doing it because we all need for mommy to not have a breakdown.
I am on the cusp of an empty daytime house and with all the parts of me that get driven crazy by the stage that we are at, the thought of going all or nothing almost overnight is too much to bear. Yes it is a full year before Noah goes off to kindergarten and yes, it is a full two years before it's Iain's turn but, it is there, looming like this big boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark and I feel like I'm at that moment that is almost paused in the movie; Indy hears something coming and he sees the boulder rolling towards him and there is this gasp.
*gasp*
I am in the gasp. And while I am not running through a booby trapped cave I have come to realize I have no route to run. In an odd way, that boulder represents the freedom I have been longing for since Carlon forced me onto bedrest at 27 weeks. You come to recognize some things as you step into the thresh-hold of motherhood; you lose, you labour, you give until you are fully spent and then you lose, labour and give some more.
Blessed are the mothers for they can not just up and go and do whatever they want whenever they want.
I live with four other people and the majority of my daily life for the last 7 years has gone into their needs, leaving little left for me but then I check myself and remember that motherhood was never about "what's in it for me". However, here I am on the verge of gaining back hours to my days and, know what to do with it, I do not! I am entertaining all kinds of options as I try to make a plan, figure out my route, but none of them give me a certainty of what I should do.
In the midst of my calling as mommy I have lost my calling as Colleen, child of Christ. I am in the cloud of looking for my specific call. I see images but it's all blurred by a haze.
Any suggestions? Any insights?
Hey - I'm here from the Out of Sorts Launch Team :) I felt every word of what you say, and I am in much the same space. My eldest is heading to school, my middle child to pre-school, and it will just be me and my two year old. Part of me wants to just... b r e a t h e ... for a bit, another part feels that guilt of having to make a meaningful contribution to the family (i.e. make money and share the financial load with my husband). But i will admit I am finding it all a bit scary and adult for my liking. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement Bree. Part of me is excited for the change but the rest is overwhelmed. When you've done one thing for so many years it's hard to imagine anything else. I too struggle with not making a financial contribution. My husband is quick to tell me I'm being silly.
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