socially invisible..

     “Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and Scrooge’s name was good upon ‘Change for anything he choose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a doornail.

     Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a doornail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a doornail.” -Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

My phone.. MY PHONE!!!!

It’s dead. As in, dead as a doornail, as in Marley’s case - and haunts me with it’s black screen and random proclamation in Siri’s voice that it is “unable to connect, please try again in a moment”

Not unsettling at all..

It’s death is no surprise to me. It fell in a toilet last December 31st “A used toilet?” asked my niece with incredulity. Yes! A used pee toilet, ( a fine way to end the year) it was wiped down with a clorox disinfectant wipe and then spent 48 hours in a bag of uncooked rice. Most people would have just given up and got a new phone. I mean, pee and all. But we are not a family of disposable iPhone income, I needed to get it to work, our plan isn’t up for renewal until the spring of 2016. It turned back on and the screen dimmed day by day over the following month. Mostly it looked like a slow creep of wet taking over the inside of the screen. You know how when you spill something and you throw a paper towel over it and watch as the paper towel slowly absorbs the wet? Just like that. But my screen was still entirely usable. The phone itself was slowly coming apart. As if, something inside was trying to push it open. Then, on Saturday, the clock went wonky. And my phone seemed to think I was in Calgary. I reset the clock then, at bedtime I noticed it was off again. Then in the morning my phone said it was 1am when it was in fact 6am. I tried to turn on the phone and open apps and none of them would open and then… then… (sniff) it was gone. No sparks, no flames, no being shot down in a blaze of glory. It was as if it was just done.

 “I’m tired, you uploaded the new iOS and I just can’t cope anymore. Thanks for the year and a half, and all the times you dropped me. Maybe you’ll treat my replacement better” 

Thanks, thanks for that last one iPhone (sheesh, guilt)

So, I knew it was coming, what I wasn’t prepared for was the feelings I had when it happened. Isolation, guilt, sadness, anxiety (wait, what?) that’s like, addiction stuff. I’ve read articles about people and their phones and the panic when they don’t have it. Hah! wackos! That wouldn’t happen to me (insert sheepish emoji)

But seriously, I have phone numbers on my phone of important people in my life and I don’t have them memorized, who does? I had to send out an email to my best friend to get her number. My best friend!

I felt like someone had thrown me in solitary confinement. Yes yes, that is a bit overdramatic. But it really just compounded the fact that Terrace is a very isolated town. For the people that have grown up here it is exactly how they like it. For a newbie like me, well, it’s a little like being in the middle of the ocean and you know your family is out there but it is so much effort to get to them you just stay in one spot treading water. My phone and it’s texting capabilities was my lifeline. Honestly, I text my sisters and or my best friend every day. Every day. No, I’m not above a phone call. I’m not like some storied millennial that can’t be bothered to speak on a phone. But often my text conversations take place throughout the day because three little boys make the opposite impossible. 

So now, here I am, with no phone, feeling sheepish, guilty for my abuse of my phone, socially invisible. How did we live our lives before cell phones? How did I let it become such a huge part of my life? I thought I had set healthy boundaries. If I’m going to be honest (and really, what’s the point of an introspective blog if you’re just going to BS your way through it?) I was already feeling like it was too much in my life. I was trying to come up with a plan to put it away, use it less, ignore it. I hadn’t followed through with any of my plans. So now, My hand has been forced. It was getting in between me and my God. I have no excuses now. I suppose it’s no coincidence that I stumbled onto this song a few days ago.

Love you more 

by Nichole Nordeman

“You said go and sin no more though my eyes could not meet yours

I started running the third time the rooster crowed

You threw a party just for me though I squandered everything

I was blinded in the middle of the road

Climbed up in a tree to see you

Swallowed by the sea to flee you

Sold you for a little silver and a kiss

Killed a man to love his woman 

Burned a bridge back to your garden

Hung beside you while you took your final breath

You’ve been loving me since time began

You’re behind my every second chance

I love you

I’m trying to

Love you more

I’m ready

Please help me

Love you more

I keep thinking there’s a limit, I’m sure I must be getting near it

when I’ve used up every pardon and regret

And you’ve promised there is freedom,

gathered up the broken pieces

scattered them as far as east is from the west

And you've been loving me since time began

You’re behind my every second chance

I love you I’m trying to

Love you more

I’m ready

Please help me

Love you more

All the sands that fill the hourglass

every breath between my first and last

I love you

I’m trying to

love you more

please help me

I’m ready

please help me

love you more”

I guess I need the social invisibility so I can see God better..

last pic I took before it died..