I see what you did there..

So, I was having a shower the other day and I had an epiphany. This happens often I’m sure I’m not the only person to experience this. It’s really the only time I have quiet to myself. Showers are short, but really, all I need is ten minutes of silence to get my thoughts in order. It happens to you doesn’t it. Our best thoughts, realizations, comebacks, singing.. all happens in the shower.

I can’t fully remember how I got to the thought train I was on exactly, but what it lead me to was a greater understanding (specifically) of why Terrace. Why God sent me here. At least, this is how I see is right now.

I am fiercely connected to my family. I love them deeply and love to spend time with them. I have a very close friend that, honestly, if we lived in the same city, would probably see each other at least twice a week. Brad and I both have good friends spread across the western provinces, they are like my warm blanket. When we were looking at other church applications, for me, the biggest selling point wasn’t “what is this church doing?” it was “do we have friends/family there?” I was quite happy to apply if I had the security of a social establishment already set up for me.

It is a beautiful feeling when you can travel someplace and have a history waiting for you.

You know, shy, introverted me. It’s hard to put yourself out there time and time again. It’s terrifying for me to throw myself into an unknown. Into the lives of strangers, having no safety net of comfort in the physical presence of family and friends to go to anytime it gets too hard.

Obviously, I see now that I used my comfort of my friends to help me instead of going to God.

Before we decided to move to Terrace I knew one person that lived there and that was only because she came to see us while she was in town and we were considering the position. So, he sent me away, far away form my connections. I know there are people that have moved farther, but this for me is far. And the north is culturally different from the south. In very subtle ways it is a huge departure.

So, this is the primary reason..

God sent me to Terrace so I would learn to do a better job at leaning on him. Letting Him, not my family and friends be my comfort. I think I knew this from the beginning but, like an angry toddler, I threw my tantrum. 

“Ok God, I’ll do it, but I’m gonna let you know every chance I get that I’m not happy that you’ve taken away my blankie from me and sent me to the opposite side of the room.”

I’ve been smacked in the face with this many times these last two years; every time I watch my own kids lose their marbles over something and get angry at me. The moment I lay their circumstance over my own issues with God I look and feel like my child. I’m 39. I shouldn’t be acting like a three year old.

So, where am I now? One month into my monument building, trying to rebuild my relationship with God. Trying to claim his promises, grasping for threads of trust and it hits me like a tonne of bricks - for reals - that God never promised me a secure life living in the same city as my friends and family. I made that promise to myself and I hoped God would get on board.

Please tell me I’m not the only one. I can’t be the only person that has lived in this expectation.

Now I’m wishing I could take back two years to save myself hours of rants and tears and shouts and swearing. Save my marriage the stress it has endured, save my children from wondering what happened to their mommy who used to be so happy and quick to encourage.

Well, she’s coming back.. slowly she’s turning around.

My sweet boys, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation I pray you do the opposite of your mom and lean into the Lord and rejoice in the fact that he loves you and hold onto the gratitude of what he’s given you rather than scream about what he hasn’t. It is always sweeter to surrender to Jesus than to fight.