unknown

I am living in the unknown right now. I have deep abiding feelings about trust. I have been betrayed by a few people in my life so trust in God, even though he is “The Man” has been a consistent battle in my life. And sometimes, I just wanna know. You know?

I have talked about this before. I am living in a zone of mystery. Which, to be honest is God’s schtick right. I mean, come on. He is all up in the mystery, unanswered questions, take it all on faith kind of living. And for a mom of three boys, living on a pastor’s salary in a different town it puts you on the tip of the iceberg of trust requirements. But I wave them around like a banner of pride. Like “LOOK AT ME! I’M A MOM OF BOYS AND THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY AND WE ARE A MINISTRY FAMILY AND IT’S HARD AND YOU NEED TO PRAY FOR MY SANITY BECAUSE GOD IS ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS!!”

Really though. 

God has been twisting me into all sorts of pretzels and sometimes there is a sweet release, like he’s the great chiropractor and sometimes it hurts. It hurts hard. 

Right now I am neither here nor there. I am in a waiting, wanting, longing period. I have these very specific promises before me but I’m trying to not let them tangle my heart. They are not God. They have come from God and he is in the business of changing lives. And he is changing mine. He is awakening in me somethings that I didn’t even know where there. Do I sound cryptic? Good. So then, when I say I am living in the unknown, you now get an idea of how all at once terrifying and exciting it is.